by anonymous

(Note: The lack of punctuation and grammatical peculiarities were specifically requested to be left in by the author as part of it’s style.)

i was “exposed” and exiled for “grooming” a fourteen year old just months after filling the shoes of my sixteen year old self. the measures i took to let myself be confident i wasnt hurting him was reframed by my accusers, by asking if others thought i would be hurting him i was proving that my supposed harm done to him was intentional. i was taught that for my love alone i am the danger. i guess that’s the start.

i was scared of love. of my love. it took me some months to break that, but again i was “wrong,” some months later i fell in love with a twenty year old. i was writing fiction at the time, and tried incorporating the relationship into our long-term roleplay. i told my friends about it, i was in love after everything that had happened. i was accused of normalizing pedophilia and exiled again. i was reminded that, for my love alone, i am the danger.

a kid rolls around, we’ll call her k; a thirteen year old lying and saying she’s fourteen. i’m sixteen. i’m terrified. i ask, she says fourteen, and i’m terrified. but i love her. but that’s dangerous, isn’t it? but why is it dangerous? no one ever taught me. so i loved again.

we were untreated-bpd-ridden teenagers who hadn’t even learned what that means yet, we hurt each other sometimes. i was more cautious, i was taught i was danger. she was less cautious, she had been taught she needed to lie to be safe. but we protected each other too. we learned what “untreated-bpd-ridden” means, and we learned what we needed to do to get better.

i’m seventeen, she’s following along. we’re on and off; she’s more avoidant and i’m more obsessive, it happens. we take a month’s long off, another girl, l, pops up in my life during such. its in between our ages. me and k regain contact from a coupon for a free taco bell breakfast crunchwrap in june. weeks pass, and we’re all three in a polycule. so i loved again.

i’m built of fear that i am the danger. k is built of fear that if she does not lie she is in danger. l is built of fear that if it is in danger the only option is to run. none of us knew these of the other. made for each other, in a way. but our love was true, regardless of our traumas and our fears, our love was true.

i’m eighteen. k and l are following along. we’re all-in, weeks-long voice chats and thinking of this house we want to buy. it’s a bit expensive, but we all have a bright future ahead of us. it’s in a little-known part of the us just under british columbia, but not connected to the rest of the us. a little fragment left behind from the 41st parallel. it’s surrounded by forest, it’s built of strongwood. a simple place to be, enough room for fun and yet one of the most beautiful places we’ve ever seen.

we eventually part ways, bpd does that to a polycule sometimes. months later i get brought up to speed on a situation, l and a new person, s, were in an awkward situation, that much i won’tget into very deeply. i get pulled in because i’m the only person who’s still fond of l. that’s okay. me and s talk privately before and after the main resolution discussion, and we apologize for that which happened in our past, and we hug it out.

we keep talking, we become friends. my life is a little bit all over the place ever since losing my relationship with k and l, but she’s nice. and she’s softer than k and l, and she’s more caring.and she’s just barely fifteen, and i’m almost nineteen. but really, she feels warm in my arms, i feel warm in hers. she was not raised to feel scared of love like i was, and she was willing to wait. and i talked about it with myself. i contemplate it for weeks. and so i loved again.

years pass, friend groups and expose documents come and go, but we stay. we loved again. i witness the beauty of my love, of all love, and it pushes me to be better. i go from “fauxcest is so taboo though…” to “love any and all, do no harm” over the course of three months. i learn that love is true, i learn that there is a better tomorrow. i promise there’s a better tomorrow.

i was taught that my love was dangerous, that i was the danger i sought to prevent. my love survived, though, it pushed me through the hate and malice i experienced, and i loved again. i never gave up my heart, and i loved again. i’ll never give up my heart, and i’ll love again.

all this to say, never give up your heart, always love again. your love is true. your heart is whole. always love again.